" I know that the problem wasn't the dream, per se..

It was the way I felt afterward, once awake."

 - Emily Giffin

" And I hide because there's more to me than what you see and I'm not sure you'd like the rest.

I know that sometimes-- I don't like the rest."

- I Wrote This for You: The Remaining Mirrors

" And sometimes I wonder why we care so much about the way we look, the way we talk,

Does it even matter? Because if life's an uphill battle, the we're all trying to climb the same old ladder.

 

 

What's the pattern for madness?"

 

 

Symbolically, a circle can stand for perfection, wholeness, or a boundary (protective or confining); circling round something can be a way of honoring or blessing it, or, conversely, of receiving blessing or power from it.

I am definitely a firm believer in the whole "a picture is worth a thousand words" saying, however, no mass amount of vintage-inspired photos can express all of the motivation and inspiration I gained this evening.

Tonight was the 9th annual Candlelight Vigil at Linden Oaks to celebrate life, recovery, and to remember those who lost their lives to this terrible disease.

I got to be in the same space as Jenni Schafer, author of Life without Ed. She taught me so much on perseverance and getting up every single time I am knocked down. She taught me that I can be whoever I want to be, and to realize that my illness does not define me.

Anorexia, as Jenni said, is a gift wrapped in a hideous package. Every day when I was in deep with Ed, I was not really alive. I was a walking ghost. I thought that my life would be absolutely perfect if I looked perfect. Little did I know, every voice in my head was a fucking lie. Thinness did not bring any form of happiness into my life. It brought me down every single day, I was digging my own grave. 

“I breathe in slowly. Food is life. I exhale, take another breath. Food is life. And that's the problem. When you're alive, people can hurt you. It's easier to crawl into a bone cage or a snowdrift of confusion. It's easier to lock everybody out. But it's a lie.” 
- Laurie Halse Anderson, Wintergirls

But no matter how terrible everything was during that year of my life, I would not take it back for the world. Recovering from anorexia has taught me how to LIVE, to LOVE and to TRUST better than I was ever able to! I met some of the most beautiful and amazing people that have touched my life in ways that they will never know.

Am I saying that every day is going to be perfect now because of this one night? No. But the light at the end of the tunnel is getting brighter as days go by. I am beginning to see the division of living and surviving. I am realizing that I was made to live a fulfilled life and to share my story with anyone struggling with any type of hardship.

You are not alone. You struggles and speed bumps do not define you. Only you define you. Stop hiding behind the shadow because you are far to beautiful to be unseen and unheard. You are worth it and you will make it through anything, no matter what.

“The number doesn't matter. If I got down to 070.00, I'd want to be 065.00. If I weight 010.00, I wouldn't be happy until I got down to 005.00. The only number that would ever be enough is 0. Zero pounds, zero life, size zero, double-zero, zero point. Zero in tennis is love. I finally get it.” 

- Laurie Halse Anderson, Wintergirls

"Even diamonds start as coal,

Give us time to shine.

We are incomplete and infinite.

Even the sweetest things, they burn before they shine."